I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
