Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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