I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
