my room smells like sperm. sweet.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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