I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's never too late to be topless.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize