You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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