I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
