Duck Duck Cougar?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
