My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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