she looked like the bat from fern gully.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
