Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
