Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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