the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
