drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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