Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
