omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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