1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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