When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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