A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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