It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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