Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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