ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
