Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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