In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
