I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
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Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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