everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
