My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
