so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
