I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
