So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
