I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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