Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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