Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
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do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If I had your ass I would rule the world
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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