I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize