just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt