don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
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She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
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I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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