those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.