guess who came home with a hottie last night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun