When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar