god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.