I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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