mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you made out with another girl for some wings
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
