Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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