How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
