I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
