I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
