Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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