bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
