My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
