I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
