He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
