i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
