Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
