Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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