Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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