remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
