I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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