I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
