My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
ttyl tear gas
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
