so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
