when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
no you cant smoke seaweed
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
