I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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