She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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