my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
